Well, I'm still thinking, to tell you the truth. With my work experiences and certificate wise, well there's a few things that I can be proud of but I consider those achievements small compared to other people.
Just finished 1 paper for my finals. Another 1 to go. Sadly to say that I have to re-do my theses. It though I'll go through after all the 'all-night-long-with-coffee' nights, actual fact, it was a false hope. When I was first told the news, I was surprised but some where expected. But I was hoping that my expectation was wrong. I cried the whole night. Yes, whole night. Lucky that, my partner was there. So I talked to him as well. But before the conversation, I called daddy right after I got the news , right after I went into the car. When daddy started to say 'Hello', I cried. Hearing his voice over the phone just make me feel how much of hope he has (I think so) on me. I told him everything and told him why I was so much in frustration. I'm hoping to finish up my studies in order to use that piece of paper to apply for a better job. A job that might suits me. Not that I'm not happy with what I'm doing now, but I guess it doesn't fit the puzzle in me. Plus, it's time for my parents to have a good life and hoping that I can provide them that. First thing will be the car....
I think I have come to the point that I'm ready to settle down (aside with the financial stability thing as it's a package). I have doubts in my previous relationship even though I feel it's complete but something was not right. Until I met my partner now a.k.a my fiancee. Everything fell into places, the gap was just filled up by him. And I know I can rely and trust him with anything. When people asked me whether I have made the right decision in wanting to get engaged after a month of knowing each other, yes 1 MONTH, I did not think twice. I guess some things are just hard to explain.
For the past years, learning from my mistakes (financially, relationships, personal, etc), I have come to realised what's important in life. We have to be realistic. It's not wrong to drive a 25 years old car (like daddy) yet he's happy with what he has, he's grateful enough. The car which brought me up. Same goes to my partner, we are 2 different individuals with different wants and needs in life but at the end, we hooked up. Don't ask me why and how 'cause I can't explain myself.
It's time to step on the real truth that you can't get everything you want or planned in life. I plan almost in everything I do ever since I know how to write ABC. So when part of my plan fails, I snapped and cried. The similar word that my partner and daddy have used is 'tawakal'. I kind of forget that word long time ago. When the news that I had to re-do my theses came to me, I did not think much instead I cried and ask God why me?. After that, I look beyond the failure. I evaluate the good things I have managed to achieve apart from failing. To my surprise,I have a lot to be thankful for but the ignorant in me took over. How many of us has a supportive family, friends and loved one? Not all of us right.
I used to have a bad relationship with my mom. The only thing that prevent me from 'killing' her is my dad. Run away from home, shouting at each other, throwing things, throwing tantrums, name it. We can't see eye to eye with each other in ANYTHING. Daddy came back from overseas a few times just to make things right and flew back again. Gradually he kind of quit his job because of this as well, I think so. And also being far from the family for so many years when you're getting older is just hard to do. It was in my teenage years when all this happened. Then I moved to Penang to further my studies after my SPM, I started missing home. That's where things between me and my mum started to change. We talked over the phone like best friends and whenever I'm home, we don't argue anymore. To think back, I can't find the root cause of why we fought last time. It was just teenage rebellious moments. I've never regret once ever since. Things between me and my mum happened for a reason. It just made us closer.
I have started living moderately in terms of my lifestyle. E.g only purchase what I really need instead of what I really want. Give more to the community, controlling my anger and not to snap a lot, understands my own religion better, get myself close to God. It changed a lot. Like a lot. The changes come in stages which you will only realize if you look deeply on all the things you have. The change comes in many forms.
Daddy were the pillar of strength for the family apart from mummy who always gives her children spiritual support. He's been there for me and my sister for many,many years and has never give up on us, not even once. No matter how many times we fall (especially me), he has never once said 'quit'. He gives us his opinion and option for us to weigh. He provide us with anything we need concerning our education as he has never had the privilege on that. It was amazing on how he survived alone overseas just to earn the money he has now to support the family. I don't think I can do that . Daddy taught us to be independent in terms of decision making for as long as it brings good to both of us sisters.
