Everybody has their own business to take care of. I mean every single single soul on earth. To start of, I'm one complicated woman. To those who know me, will be able to adapt with my character. To those who are new with me, tend to judge me. Well, I don't blame them cause it's normal for us, human being, to judge other people without knowing them, including me. It triggered me to write this after reading one of my favorite blogger of all time, Vivy Yusof in one of her blog entry, Everybody Needs to Vent. It was an eye opener for me. And believe me that it took me 2 days to actually finish up in writing this entry.
For someone who used to have low self esteem previously*not many people knew about it*. My confidence was built over time and it took me a long while and really hard work to change and gain the confidence I have now. Yes, I struggled. Yet, deep down inside me, I'm still vulnerable. I believe everyone does too. At times I have to fake a smile and pretend that I'm ok and that I can do this. But actual fact I can't. The fact that I still try to achieve something even though I know I'll crack is because, I'm trying my best to meet everybody's expectation and I don't want to let them down. But reality is, I'm pushing myself too hard, to the point at times, I exploded. And when I explode, I call my parents or Juan. So when I can't cope with things, even by hearing them say 'Hello', I cried without even manage to reply 'Hi'. When I'm down, I tend to miss home. Whenever I'm home, I feel so safe and it felt like there is nothing to worry about. I never felt like coming back.
Throughout the years, I tend to compare myself with others. Like why can't I have looks like her, why can't I have a big house like his, why can't I drive a big BMW. Everything starts with why and I never appreciate the things I have. Even now, I still compare myself with others on a small scale. Sometimes I even felt jealous for no apparent reason towards another individual. When I see their life is sooo perfect, I thought 'Ya right, as if your life is so perfect'. I carry unnecessary burden when I myself have million of things to think of. But with the exposure that my family gave to me and my sister, it changes little by little on how I perceive life. Our trip to China, Sri Lanka and India especially many years ago was a good exposure to us. How lucky we were. I drive a Malaysia made car but yet at times, I complained on why can't I own a luxury car. Those people in India, have to walk miles and miles just to go to work and yet I'm complaining. See the irony there?
To compare between me and my sister, our age gap is like 10 years apart. But she's more confident and more organize. She don't put unnecessary things in her 'bag' of life. She has a wider social connection compared to me. She doesn't care if a person doesn't want to be her friends. Cause I guess she believe that, friendship are built based on trust and share common things. She also use whatever she has to the best, unlike me. She's humble except at times she's 'loud' *I guess everyone boost about themselves sometimes*. She's a risk taker which I'm not. I will evaluate any decision I make with all the WH questions possible. I tend to be the party who always give in, in any situation especially when it comes to friendship. I always think that fighting for what you think is worth is a good thing but I was wrong. Sometimes you need to step back and let nature do their 'thang'. You have to know your worth and pride and things like that, you gotta keep to yourself. Have some faith. Once you lose it, you'll lose yourself too.
I have so many negativity in my life that sometimes, I forget who I was. I forgot because I was trying so hard to be someone who I am not and I'm trying to achieve the material part. So when doing that, I forget what's more important in life. Like your real friends, you family and your partner. Sometimes I kept asking 'Why everything happen to me instead of others?' It's almost a daily basis question. After changing my job it triggered that question even more often. Sometimes, I cried so much during my prayers, praying for strength that at the same time, I feel like giving up. The next day I'm okay. God work in the weirdest way that no one will be able figure out how. Like what Vivy said, you need to have faith that He's always there for you. believe strongly and try to see the good side of everything. Bad times doesn't last forever and you just need to stand very strong when it hits you.
For someone who used to have low self esteem previously*not many people knew about it*. My confidence was built over time and it took me a long while and really hard work to change and gain the confidence I have now. Yes, I struggled. Yet, deep down inside me, I'm still vulnerable. I believe everyone does too. At times I have to fake a smile and pretend that I'm ok and that I can do this. But actual fact I can't. The fact that I still try to achieve something even though I know I'll crack is because, I'm trying my best to meet everybody's expectation and I don't want to let them down. But reality is, I'm pushing myself too hard, to the point at times, I exploded. And when I explode, I call my parents or Juan. So when I can't cope with things, even by hearing them say 'Hello', I cried without even manage to reply 'Hi'. When I'm down, I tend to miss home. Whenever I'm home, I feel so safe and it felt like there is nothing to worry about. I never felt like coming back.
Throughout the years, I tend to compare myself with others. Like why can't I have looks like her, why can't I have a big house like his, why can't I drive a big BMW. Everything starts with why and I never appreciate the things I have. Even now, I still compare myself with others on a small scale. Sometimes I even felt jealous for no apparent reason towards another individual. When I see their life is sooo perfect, I thought 'Ya right, as if your life is so perfect'. I carry unnecessary burden when I myself have million of things to think of. But with the exposure that my family gave to me and my sister, it changes little by little on how I perceive life. Our trip to China, Sri Lanka and India especially many years ago was a good exposure to us. How lucky we were. I drive a Malaysia made car but yet at times, I complained on why can't I own a luxury car. Those people in India, have to walk miles and miles just to go to work and yet I'm complaining. See the irony there?
To compare between me and my sister, our age gap is like 10 years apart. But she's more confident and more organize. She don't put unnecessary things in her 'bag' of life. She has a wider social connection compared to me. She doesn't care if a person doesn't want to be her friends. Cause I guess she believe that, friendship are built based on trust and share common things. She also use whatever she has to the best, unlike me. She's humble except at times she's 'loud' *I guess everyone boost about themselves sometimes*. She's a risk taker which I'm not. I will evaluate any decision I make with all the WH questions possible. I tend to be the party who always give in, in any situation especially when it comes to friendship. I always think that fighting for what you think is worth is a good thing but I was wrong. Sometimes you need to step back and let nature do their 'thang'. You have to know your worth and pride and things like that, you gotta keep to yourself. Have some faith. Once you lose it, you'll lose yourself too.
I have so many negativity in my life that sometimes, I forget who I was. I forgot because I was trying so hard to be someone who I am not and I'm trying to achieve the material part. So when doing that, I forget what's more important in life. Like your real friends, you family and your partner. Sometimes I kept asking 'Why everything happen to me instead of others?' It's almost a daily basis question. After changing my job it triggered that question even more often. Sometimes, I cried so much during my prayers, praying for strength that at the same time, I feel like giving up. The next day I'm okay. God work in the weirdest way that no one will be able figure out how. Like what Vivy said, you need to have faith that He's always there for you. believe strongly and try to see the good side of everything. Bad times doesn't last forever and you just need to stand very strong when it hits you.
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